Wow... Its been more than a month since I written anything on this blog. I simply had nothing in mind to write about until today. On this 2nd last day of 2006, I received a parcel. Its a parcel packed with Japanese goodies and gifts from Hitomi, my Japanese friend. I got to know her through an exchange programme during my poly days. I was so touched when I saw the contents in the box that really, no words can describe how I felt. It made me reflect. I realised what a lousy friend I have been. I haven't shown much concern to many. I came to understand that I have changed.
In the past 2 - 3 years of finding myself, I realised I have actually lost a part of me as well. I have indulged myself into pain, cruelty of humans, reality of life, having fun, enjoy life and really ... just myself. It was all about me. I think because I missed all that during my younger days that I decided to just let myself go, for once, live for myself, be selfish. What I didn't realise is that its been a long time in this indulgence that I got use to it and I couldn't bring myself back to the right track. Though I have been there for the new friends that I have made, for those who have been crossing my paths, closer to how I live, I have neglected those who have distant.
I ask myself, Wheres the Jolene who has more sympathy? Wheres the Jolene who cares about all her friends? Wheres the Jolene who has all the motivation and passion for work? Wheres the Jolene who shares the housework with her mum? Wheres the Jolene who prioritizes her family? Wheres the Jolene who spends carefully? Wheres the Jolene who loves tidiness? Wheres the Jolene who actually bothers..? Not that I lost all that completely, but I guess most of it.... This realisation made me feel like 2003 - 2006 has actually only been a year. But in reality, its not. Everything seemed to be sandwiched together. So much so late, too little time. I have become... (especially these past 6 months) more selfish, the impatient me has become more impatient, temper getting worse, complaints getting more and I have this "cannot be bothered" attitude, "deal with it later", but in the end, I don't. I tend to avoid problems. Well, of cos unless I was left with no choice. I'm like what Zoe Tay is like in her drama. Just wanna sleep all day with no motivation for anything at all.
I'm not saying I'm a horrible person, I know I'm not, but I would like some of the old me back. I can be better. These 3 years haven't been a waste either. I learnt so much, the hidden Jolene was somehow unleashed and has matured. I had never imagined I can be what I am today. I learnt how bitter and sweet love is, the facts of life and what a bitch it can be. I learnt how time can really take pain away. I am definitely not the gullible gal I used to be, I come to realise how some things work and how some just don't no matter how stubborn you can be. Most importantly, I learnt how to protect myself. I travelled quite alot too..... I gained great new friends and I really can't ask more from them.
So 2007, I want to be better. The old and new Jolene is what I want. Let her walk through future proud and upright.
Happy New Year peeps.
I might just call.
